A few moments ago I wrote my status update on my Facebook account; uplifited, happy and clearheaded. Which is true, all of it. I feel happy and uplifted, perhaps truly for the first time in 3 years. I know that there will be good days and bad days. My mantra for all days now is “this too shall pass”. Even for the good days, because come on we all know that after the good the bad always comes. Well at least that’s how I think.
So, the last term; clearheaded. I am clearheaded right now about one issue. That of a second child. I most definitely want Sam to have a sibling. 100%. That’s what I’m clearheaded about it. My mind only gets cloudy when I think about how this will come about 
. I am scared. About everything this time. With Sam I went into it blindly. I didn’t think about anything negative at all. Despite the terrible morning sickness, the unstopable heartburn, the back aches, and the 60lb weight gain it was all happy. I thought only of the little bundle of joy coming my way. Then she was born and reality hit. Everything was horrible after. Ok I’m generalizing here but truly the bad outweighed the good at the time.
Now I sit here and think. Can I go through it again? I read other women’s stories with their second, third and they write yes it’s tough but it’s worth it. A friend of mine who had her second in June told me it was worth everything and she wished she hadn’t waited so long. But can I really do it? The sleepless nights, the breastfeeding struggles, the crying…I must be sounding like a spoiled little girl here but when I remember the first year and a half of Sam’s life it wasn’t that good, for me at least. Samantha was healthy and thriving, despite how messed up her mother was.
So I sit here and I think. What to do what to do. I know if I do go for it, it won’t be this year. With the move happening I don’t need anything else going on. I’ve set my heart on March. Yes I know it may not happen right away but that’s the month I’ve decided upon. It’s sort of an all or nothing. If it doesn’t happen in March then…
ah clarity.
I love clarity.
By: crazymumma on August 22, 2008
at 9:18 pm
I was in a similar place as you, and I think that if you know that you want a second, you just have to close your eyes and jump.
By: nomotherearth on August 22, 2008
at 10:24 pm
Woot on the clarity and the decision and the announcing of the decision!
By: Mamalooper on August 23, 2008
at 6:18 am
Having a child has been so tough on me. I see other women that have 2, 3 and 4 and think “are you crazy??”
Who would do this again?
But here I find myself. Scared to death on how hard it’s gonna be the second time around. At least with the first we didn’t know what we were in for.
By: sky girl on August 24, 2008
at 9:14 pm
Oh, I know. Even having taken lots of time to be sure, I keep wondering what the hell I’ve gotten myself into… I just have to trust it will be okay in the end, as Pumpkinpie was, becasue I am not a real baby person either, and find the newborn stuff really tough to get through. But it will get there, and then comes the toddler part, which I love, so there’s reward, i think.
By: kittenpie on August 25, 2008
at 10:39 pm
once again we are so on the same page.
(though I’m still not %100 sure about a sibling…maybe %50)
I just love this stage so much (three yrs.) and its soooo tempting and probably so worth it.
ah what to do….I’m with you.
By: petitegourmand on August 28, 2008
at 3:58 pm
Sounds like you’ve been doing quite a bit of thinking… Sometimes it’s easier with the first than the second because, as you said, its all so new, but what you will find, if you so desire to ass to the family, is that the second is SO different because for each and every thing we – as soon to be parents – analysed for the first child, we are that much wiser and aware of for the next. It’s fun, yes tiring, but oh so different.
Wishing you the best, whatever you guys decide to do.
By: Urban Daddy on August 31, 2008
at 9:28 pm
I haven’t had a chance to read in a while – but I’m really happy to hear you are uplifted, happy and clearheaded. I think March is a great goal, gives you time to prepare (in all ways!) Thinking of you.
By: Some kind of Wondermom on September 2, 2008
at 9:13 pm
You might find it much easier the second time – or not. You’ll be able to get through it, regardless.
By: Mac and Cheese on September 2, 2008
at 10:24 pm
it is worth it. totally worth it
and I say this with #2 kicking our asses in ways we never could have anticipated.
the second one is so much easier because you know it will end.
By: Lisa b on September 2, 2008
at 10:44 pm
I tagged you for a meme…hope you don’t mind!
By: porter on September 7, 2008
at 10:26 pm